redfining loneliness

i went back to wheaton a few days ago. awesome at points and tough at others, it was a weekend filled with people, people, and more people. and i soaked it up. lived life large, so to speak.

i also, and consequently, crashed at several points throughout the weekend. i called my mom on Saturday (not even 24 hours into my trip, mind you) and could not help it as tears ran down my cheeks. "Mom. I don't want to go back." 

as much as i loved seeing friends whom i missed and with whom i am genuinely comfortable (which is hard to come by these days), i could not shake a particularly present and nagging feeling that in a few days i would have to return to new hampshire and leave this place so filled with faces the i recognized, so filled with community. i could not forget that soon i will jet out of o'hare and helplessly watch as the ground beneath me, a ground that seems so familiar, slowly dissent back to a ground so foreign. 

when i expressed this to those around me, i was consistently, almost repeatedly, assured that wheaton too, as a place, is foreign without the familiarity of college. that really, this weekend was a false perception of what real life is day in and day out. yeah, ryn, you're seeing a lot of people. but don't think this is normal. ryn, you should know that i, too, am struggling to find community. i, too, am lonely.

i guess part of me was encouraged by this. i know it was meant in that way and i appreciated it.

another large part of me, though, cried out in fear: "what? you're lonely too? and you are surrounded by people! what hope is there for me? an isolated youngin' in wolfeboro new hamsphire where, i swear, the average age has got to be above 50* and anything anywhere in any direction is about 40 minutes away.**"

but it is through this that i have (besides that small stubborn part of me that likes to wallow over my own sorrows. i'm sure you know what i am talking about) begun to realize that this year and - as i think i will find down the road - most of life, is all about what you, yourself make of it. what i am experiencing right now may look different than others' experiences but it is really, more or less, just a small part of my current stage of life. i have begun to realize that loneliness is present just as much in wheaton as it is in wolfeboro. that college made community and friendship easier. not easy as i should consistently be reminded, just easier. gosh. that everything up until this point made such things a wee bit easier. (i mean, preschool? man, those were the days. our lives were so balanced back then - we got education, play, and sleep all wrapped up in what we knew as a "school day.") i am realizing that struggle, confusion, isolation, and pain are commonplace in the human experience and are thus small parts of what makes up humanity in all of its glory, its ugliness, and its beauty. 

and yet, through Christ, there can thankfully be more depth in the story of humanity. for through Him comes redemption, peace, and joy. such goodness enters in and intersects our brokenness. through the cross, we are granted assurance as we see forgiveness rain down through steadfast love. and through the empty tomb, we are granted hope as we see goodness and mercy reign in faithful victory. it is this ultimate story of love, sacrifice, and triumph through which we are blessed with new perceptions and definitions. because this story changes everything. even the plight of the isolated youngin' in wolfeboro new hampshire. 

i guess in the end, what i am trying to say, is that my situation and whatever picture it attempts to paint, is what i make of it. i can define it however i chose, through a lens of sorrow or a lens of hope, although the choice is not always so straightforward. loneliness, in itself, is just a word defined though the common experience of humanity. an experience that can also be dramatically impacted by Christ if we so let it. for Christ, who's story provides hope, encouragement, peace, and ultimately community, makes all things new.

and that, in itself, provides all the comfort i need.

basically, i wish i knew more about phenomenology. or is it ontology?

"If the LORD had not been my help,
   my soul would soon have lived in the land of silence."

Psalm 94:17

*i do not think, in any way, that this is bad. it's just that... well. you know.

**also not a bad thing. it's just a fact that has hard consequences.